Don't Kid Yourself
Once again, for the 4th time in the last five years, my step-mom is going to win the annual Bracket Competition on my Dad’s side of the family. Thank you Pittsburgh. Actually, shame on me for underestimating Jay Wright.
College basketball, more so than any other sport, is all about coaching. This year, the Final Four will consist of Tom Izzo, Jim Calhoun, Jay Wright and Roy Williams. I do not regret the picks I have made this year. My only regret with this entire tournament is the fact that I actually spent time this winter watching the College Basketball regular season. It is officially a waste of time.
A one seed, a three seed, who really cares? It doesn’t matter. Villanova has virtually played home games the entire way through the tournament thus far. Not that I am complaining, they earned that right by playing well in the best conference this season.
The men’s college basketball regular season is a joke. It has little to no bearing on who will compete for the National Championship. I never thought I would come to this point, but I finally understand why a playoff in College Football would be a bad idea. Forget money, logistics of scheduling, etc. I don’t claim to be smart enough to incorporate all of that. The fact of the matter is that a tournament in college football would make the regular season irrelevant. Why play the regular season? Put USC, LSU, Alabama, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Texas, Florida, and take your pick… put them in a tournament and be done with it.
My step-mom will admit to not watching a single college basketball game this year. Tournament included, other than the last three minutes of the close games. I think she is on to something. I on the other hand, spent my winter weekday nights tuned in to ESPN to watch the Big East or whatever overrated Big Ten team was being televised. The domination of Michigan State by Purdue in February in West Lafayette doesn’t really mean much now, does it? Boiler Up! Or how about the “epic battles” this year between UConn and Pittsburgh when DeJuan Blair had his way with Hasheem Thabeet? Have fun watching the big man in Detroit, DeJuan. I am making a remix to the Green Day song and replacing September with February. Wake Me Up When February Ends.
Oh but Brad! Arizona’s KEY victories in December are what got them into the tournament. Butler’s early season wins got them into the tournament even after losing in the Horizon League Championship. Yeah great, I’ll save Brad Stevens a seat next to me on the couch this weekend. Not you though, Budinger. Hands off the remote, you can watch America’s Next Top Model on your own television.
The tournament selection committee should be commended. They, as they normally do, got it right. Before this past weekend the top three seeds were a combined 24-0. The pod system, instituted by the NCAA to save money, has created chalk in the bracket. I love it. The favorites win their games and we get match-ups like we did this past weekend between powerhouse schools. As a side note, I’m still waiting to see how that injury to Jermone Dyson is going to affect Uconn. They look even better without him, to me.
The NCAA Tournament is fantastic, no one can dispute that. No one in America gets any work done those first two days. But, it comes at the expense of the regular season. How about all those all important conference tournaments at the end of the season? How many of the Final Four teams won theirs? I’ll give you a hint, it starts with “z” and ends with “ero”. Winning your conference means next to nothing, just ask Ricky P. Although, I guess it somehow gives Coach K a sense that he and his program are still relevant.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
AMusings
Baseball Season Is Here Again
The baseball season is only one week away. It makes me think about all of the things I love about going to a baseball game. There is a certain feeling a person gets when they walk into a major league baseball stadium, sees the grass, smells the food, takes in all of the players warming up. Once the game begins though, there is a laundry list of things that take place that are not ok. Not even a little ok. Because I am a good person, and I am concerned about everyone’s well being, I am going to share with you the rules I have decided every fan needs to follow this baseball season.
Leave your shirt on.
It isn’t socially acceptable to take your clothes off anywhere else in the world with the exception of the beach or a swimming pool. There are plenty of alternatives to taking your clothes off. Why not wear a cut off t-shirt? How about drinking plenty of water? Let it be known, that this year, during the 2009 baseball season, I will be approaching any man with hooters who has taken his top off, and alerting him that he is being indecent at the very least.
Don’t give kids foul balls.
Aren’t we teaching the youngsters the wrong lesson by handing them foul balls that we caught? I was a kid for 14 whole years, and nobody ever gave me anything except way too many cookies. If I catch a foul ball at a baseball game, or better yet a home run ball, and a kid gives me puppy dog eyes, he’s got another thing coming.
More so, don’t boo the people that don’t give the balls to kids. It’s not their fault the kid had poor reaction time and didn’t catch the ball. The kid will learn to be quicker, and more agile. They will also learn the all important lesson that you can’t always get what you want. (But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.)
You may leave your seat one time during 9 innings.
Let me clarify, I will stand up for you when you leave your seat only once during a 9 inning baseball game. There is really no reason to need to get up more than once in a 3 hour span. Do you need to go to the bathroom? Oh poor baby. I’m sure the 15 Bud Lights that I had to pass down to you had nothing to do with that. Oh you’re hungry? You couldn’t go 3 hours at home without popcorn, a pretzel, a beef sandwich, a hot dog, a sausage, two pieces of pizza, an ice cream cone, and a pepsi? I find that hard to believe. If you’re in my row, you get one pass, really only because I’m a nice person. After that, you can figure out a way to step over my legs.
Don’t talk to me.
I have never had a meaningful conversation with anyone at a baseball game. Questions usually consist of really tough things to figure out like “What inning is it?” “What’s the score?” “Who is up?”. If you’re stupid (and you must be if you can’t figure out that information which is displayed on a gigantic scoreboard) then just pretend I’m not there. Don’t ask me anything.
Don’t wear obnoxious/over-exposed clothing and give me a dirty look when I stare.
I know you have to leave your shirt on, but that does not mean it should be a 1984 Giants jersey with your name on it. You look like an idiot. Also, men who wear their own names on jerseys traditionally resemble a blimp, and there is no way, even if they were Kirby Puckett or Tony Gwynn, they would have worn that size during their playing days.
Also, don’t buy those stupid t-shirts outside of the stadium that say things like “Cardinals take it up the Pujols” or “We got Wood” or anything like that. They’re not funny, and because you were dumb enough to shell out the $30 for the shirt, I know all I need to know to know that I hate you.
If you don’t know the words to the National Anthem, don’t sing.
Self explanatory, no? Maurice Cheeks isn’t going to help you this time, so don’t try.
When the game is over, LEAVE.
Once the 27th out has been made, you can go. There is nothing else to see. The team will line up, high five each other, and then walk into the dugout. I’m sorry I’ve ruined the ending for you, but that’s all there is to it. This rule especially applies to people sitting on the aisle. I want to go home. Just leave, so I can too.
This rule does not only apply to the end of the game. If your team is losing 16-0 in the 4th, you can go home if you like. I see no reason to stay. It’s not going to get better.
If you are a miserable person, stay home.
This rule applies to anyone who is going to the game to hold a business meeting, anyone who complains about how much they paid for anything (included in “anything” are tickets, parking, food, beer, souvenirs, or any combination of the former). Anyone who is incapable of controlling their children should not take them to the game. While you might find your 4 year old’s sneezing cute, I find it obnoxious.
So there. If we can all agree to these rules and follow them, we should have a wonderful baseball season.
The baseball season is only one week away. It makes me think about all of the things I love about going to a baseball game. There is a certain feeling a person gets when they walk into a major league baseball stadium, sees the grass, smells the food, takes in all of the players warming up. Once the game begins though, there is a laundry list of things that take place that are not ok. Not even a little ok. Because I am a good person, and I am concerned about everyone’s well being, I am going to share with you the rules I have decided every fan needs to follow this baseball season.
Leave your shirt on.
It isn’t socially acceptable to take your clothes off anywhere else in the world with the exception of the beach or a swimming pool. There are plenty of alternatives to taking your clothes off. Why not wear a cut off t-shirt? How about drinking plenty of water? Let it be known, that this year, during the 2009 baseball season, I will be approaching any man with hooters who has taken his top off, and alerting him that he is being indecent at the very least.
Don’t give kids foul balls.
Aren’t we teaching the youngsters the wrong lesson by handing them foul balls that we caught? I was a kid for 14 whole years, and nobody ever gave me anything except way too many cookies. If I catch a foul ball at a baseball game, or better yet a home run ball, and a kid gives me puppy dog eyes, he’s got another thing coming.
More so, don’t boo the people that don’t give the balls to kids. It’s not their fault the kid had poor reaction time and didn’t catch the ball. The kid will learn to be quicker, and more agile. They will also learn the all important lesson that you can’t always get what you want. (But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.)
You may leave your seat one time during 9 innings.
Let me clarify, I will stand up for you when you leave your seat only once during a 9 inning baseball game. There is really no reason to need to get up more than once in a 3 hour span. Do you need to go to the bathroom? Oh poor baby. I’m sure the 15 Bud Lights that I had to pass down to you had nothing to do with that. Oh you’re hungry? You couldn’t go 3 hours at home without popcorn, a pretzel, a beef sandwich, a hot dog, a sausage, two pieces of pizza, an ice cream cone, and a pepsi? I find that hard to believe. If you’re in my row, you get one pass, really only because I’m a nice person. After that, you can figure out a way to step over my legs.
Don’t talk to me.
I have never had a meaningful conversation with anyone at a baseball game. Questions usually consist of really tough things to figure out like “What inning is it?” “What’s the score?” “Who is up?”. If you’re stupid (and you must be if you can’t figure out that information which is displayed on a gigantic scoreboard) then just pretend I’m not there. Don’t ask me anything.
Don’t wear obnoxious/over-exposed clothing and give me a dirty look when I stare.
I know you have to leave your shirt on, but that does not mean it should be a 1984 Giants jersey with your name on it. You look like an idiot. Also, men who wear their own names on jerseys traditionally resemble a blimp, and there is no way, even if they were Kirby Puckett or Tony Gwynn, they would have worn that size during their playing days.
Also, don’t buy those stupid t-shirts outside of the stadium that say things like “Cardinals take it up the Pujols” or “We got Wood” or anything like that. They’re not funny, and because you were dumb enough to shell out the $30 for the shirt, I know all I need to know to know that I hate you.
If you don’t know the words to the National Anthem, don’t sing.
Self explanatory, no? Maurice Cheeks isn’t going to help you this time, so don’t try.
When the game is over, LEAVE.
Once the 27th out has been made, you can go. There is nothing else to see. The team will line up, high five each other, and then walk into the dugout. I’m sorry I’ve ruined the ending for you, but that’s all there is to it. This rule especially applies to people sitting on the aisle. I want to go home. Just leave, so I can too.
This rule does not only apply to the end of the game. If your team is losing 16-0 in the 4th, you can go home if you like. I see no reason to stay. It’s not going to get better.
If you are a miserable person, stay home.
This rule applies to anyone who is going to the game to hold a business meeting, anyone who complains about how much they paid for anything (included in “anything” are tickets, parking, food, beer, souvenirs, or any combination of the former). Anyone who is incapable of controlling their children should not take them to the game. While you might find your 4 year old’s sneezing cute, I find it obnoxious.
So there. If we can all agree to these rules and follow them, we should have a wonderful baseball season.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday Night Lights
Eight (Times Two) Is Enough
Earlier this week, after the NFL owners' meetings in my adopted hometown of greater Los Angeles, where there is not a franchise, and where there never will be a franchise, commissioner (and Most Powerful Man in Sports, Like Can Have You Killed Within A Couple Minutes Powerful) Roger Goodell likely interrupted recession-oblivious (or maybe just oblivious) conversations about private jets, Cuban cigars, premium unleaded gasoline and preferred Vitamin Water flavors among 32 of the richest men on the planet by suggesting that the NFL expand its schedule to 18 games from the current 16 contests.
I'm not totally sure why Goodell would propose such a change. Ostensibly, Rog' wants to replace two of the four preseason showdowns with games that count. I've racked my brain for the last four and a half minutes and come up with an extensive list of pros and cons (mostly cons) that MPMSLCHYKWACMP must be considering as he dreams of Week 18 and 19 action (don't forget the bye week, kids).
Pros
1) (Maybe) increased television revenue. With two more games per season, Goodell could potentially milk a bit more cash out of CBS, Fox, NBC, and ESPN, especially now that the threat of placing games on the NFL Network can be used as a scare tactic to get the four major players to ante up. However, the NFL Network can't show 16 games per week. More importantly, the non-NFL-networks face incredible financial pressure as key advertisers hemorrhage cash and cut back on TV spending. Perhaps Goodell can flex his muscles here, but...
Giant, Massive Cons (and no, I'm not talking about NFL players)
1) Player health and safety. How ironic that Goodell's article came out the same day as an academic study that suggested NFL players lose two to three years off of their lives for each year they play football. Given the size of today's players and the speed and fury with which they play the game, I can only imagine how a two-game increase in the amount of bone-jarring hits and reckless collisions could affect that number.
2) Fading starpower, due to player health and safety. Welcome to the NFL of the 21st century, where Shaun Alexander was released two seasons after winning the 2005 NFL MVP award, and LaDainian Tomlinson is quickly following on the same path to irrelevance. The staying power of these stars is falling quickly due to the demands of a 16 game gridiron season. Two more games annually accelerates the decline of the NFL's most electrifying and marketable personalities.
3) Fan fatigue, which is already setting in for some (read: me), thanks to little bits of insanity like ESPN running new episodes of NFL Live every week in February and March.
Point being, though, the league enjoys such rabid fan interest because of the make-or-break nature of every single game. Add two additional contests, and the level of importance drops across the board, until you have an absurd situation like that which exists in baseball, where a talented team like the Yankees will seemingly drop ten straight just to make things interesting.
Likewise, when you add an additional home date for every team, it's that much easier to skip less enticing matchups in person and in front of the TV. Casual fans can only go crazy for so long.
4) Lack of incremental revenue improvements, which is business-ese for "Where's the extra money from your plan, Roger?" Now that NFL teams have wickedly (or wisely, depending on your perspective) forced season ticket holders to buy seats for their team's two preseason games across the board, I can't imagine two replacement regular season competitions drawing so much more revenue that you can risk cons 1, 2, and 3, even with some sort of broadcasting deal home run that may never happen.
So go ahead, Mr. Goodell. Extend football's regular season. But do so at the peril of your players, your teams, your fans, and ultimately, your league. It's your call.
Earlier this week, after the NFL owners' meetings in my adopted hometown of greater Los Angeles, where there is not a franchise, and where there never will be a franchise, commissioner (and Most Powerful Man in Sports, Like Can Have You Killed Within A Couple Minutes Powerful) Roger Goodell likely interrupted recession-oblivious (or maybe just oblivious) conversations about private jets, Cuban cigars, premium unleaded gasoline and preferred Vitamin Water flavors among 32 of the richest men on the planet by suggesting that the NFL expand its schedule to 18 games from the current 16 contests.
I'm not totally sure why Goodell would propose such a change. Ostensibly, Rog' wants to replace two of the four preseason showdowns with games that count. I've racked my brain for the last four and a half minutes and come up with an extensive list of pros and cons (mostly cons) that MPMSLCHYKWACMP must be considering as he dreams of Week 18 and 19 action (don't forget the bye week, kids).
Pros
1) (Maybe) increased television revenue. With two more games per season, Goodell could potentially milk a bit more cash out of CBS, Fox, NBC, and ESPN, especially now that the threat of placing games on the NFL Network can be used as a scare tactic to get the four major players to ante up. However, the NFL Network can't show 16 games per week. More importantly, the non-NFL-networks face incredible financial pressure as key advertisers hemorrhage cash and cut back on TV spending. Perhaps Goodell can flex his muscles here, but...
Giant, Massive Cons (and no, I'm not talking about NFL players)
1) Player health and safety. How ironic that Goodell's article came out the same day as an academic study that suggested NFL players lose two to three years off of their lives for each year they play football. Given the size of today's players and the speed and fury with which they play the game, I can only imagine how a two-game increase in the amount of bone-jarring hits and reckless collisions could affect that number.
2) Fading starpower, due to player health and safety. Welcome to the NFL of the 21st century, where Shaun Alexander was released two seasons after winning the 2005 NFL MVP award, and LaDainian Tomlinson is quickly following on the same path to irrelevance. The staying power of these stars is falling quickly due to the demands of a 16 game gridiron season. Two more games annually accelerates the decline of the NFL's most electrifying and marketable personalities.
3) Fan fatigue, which is already setting in for some (read: me), thanks to little bits of insanity like ESPN running new episodes of NFL Live every week in February and March.
Point being, though, the league enjoys such rabid fan interest because of the make-or-break nature of every single game. Add two additional contests, and the level of importance drops across the board, until you have an absurd situation like that which exists in baseball, where a talented team like the Yankees will seemingly drop ten straight just to make things interesting.
Likewise, when you add an additional home date for every team, it's that much easier to skip less enticing matchups in person and in front of the TV. Casual fans can only go crazy for so long.
4) Lack of incremental revenue improvements, which is business-ese for "Where's the extra money from your plan, Roger?" Now that NFL teams have wickedly (or wisely, depending on your perspective) forced season ticket holders to buy seats for their team's two preseason games across the board, I can't imagine two replacement regular season competitions drawing so much more revenue that you can risk cons 1, 2, and 3, even with some sort of broadcasting deal home run that may never happen.
So go ahead, Mr. Goodell. Extend football's regular season. But do so at the peril of your players, your teams, your fans, and ultimately, your league. It's your call.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Cousin Bink's Country Beer Jamboree
Volume 1, Issue 6
This Monday the World Baseball Classic came to an end finally. From what I saw on Sportscenter it was quite the exciting game with Ichiro hitting a 2 out hit in the top of the 10th to get in the winning run, but I with the rest of America reacted the same way: wondering how many days until the real baseball season starts.
You know the baseball season where there are 30 teams instead of 16. The season where the best players in the world play and are paid to play. The season that goes on for 6 months, not 4 weeks. The season that's basic set-up has been in place for over 100 years, not something Allan Bud Selig made up 4 years ago.
For those of you not aware, and judging by the TV ratings that's a Hell of a lot of people, the WBC is an event that will now be held every four years that attempts to be a World Cup of baseball. There's one big problem with that though; whole there are numerous major leagues of soccer that can claim to be the biggest and the best, Major League Baseball is where the big boys play (TM WCW).
The best players from Japan, Korea, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Venezuela, and even the Netherlands and Italy dream of playing in Major League Baseball, not leading their team to glory in the World Baseball Classic. I doubt Bert Blyleven would give up his World Series rings for a ring saying he guided the Netherlands to a World Baseball Classic win.
Personally my biggest problem with the WBC is how long it makes spring training which is like Advent to a baseball fan like me. Instead of starting in late February and going for four weeks through March, spring training this year is in it's sixth week, and there's still 10 days till the season starts. This is the equivalent of starting playing Christmas music in mid-November, rather than the day after Thanksgiving when it should start. I know Bud is Jewish and might not understand this, but surely someone in the MLB offices could have drawn a likable comparison for him.
I can name whose won every World Series since 1972 without batting an eye, but before this week I would have to think long and hard who won the WBC in 2006. This will not get over in the United States nor should it. Why would we want to watch a watered down tournament where many of the best players don't want to participate? As baseball fans we are trained to cheer for one team with players from all over the world. Baseball more than any other sport is an American sport in that it is a melting pot of cultures in one dugout. I think it would help to promote the game as the American sport rather than trying to split teams up and try and teach fans these guys are from your country and these are the only guys you should cheer. But then what do I know? I never caused a sport to miss it’s playoffs and then allowed every player and their mysterious Dominican cousin to take steroids to try and get the sport to be popular and relevant again. That’s the way you fix a sport, right Bud?.
This Monday the World Baseball Classic came to an end finally. From what I saw on Sportscenter it was quite the exciting game with Ichiro hitting a 2 out hit in the top of the 10th to get in the winning run, but I with the rest of America reacted the same way: wondering how many days until the real baseball season starts.
You know the baseball season where there are 30 teams instead of 16. The season where the best players in the world play and are paid to play. The season that goes on for 6 months, not 4 weeks. The season that's basic set-up has been in place for over 100 years, not something Allan Bud Selig made up 4 years ago.
For those of you not aware, and judging by the TV ratings that's a Hell of a lot of people, the WBC is an event that will now be held every four years that attempts to be a World Cup of baseball. There's one big problem with that though; whole there are numerous major leagues of soccer that can claim to be the biggest and the best, Major League Baseball is where the big boys play (TM WCW).
The best players from Japan, Korea, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Venezuela, and even the Netherlands and Italy dream of playing in Major League Baseball, not leading their team to glory in the World Baseball Classic. I doubt Bert Blyleven would give up his World Series rings for a ring saying he guided the Netherlands to a World Baseball Classic win.
Personally my biggest problem with the WBC is how long it makes spring training which is like Advent to a baseball fan like me. Instead of starting in late February and going for four weeks through March, spring training this year is in it's sixth week, and there's still 10 days till the season starts. This is the equivalent of starting playing Christmas music in mid-November, rather than the day after Thanksgiving when it should start. I know Bud is Jewish and might not understand this, but surely someone in the MLB offices could have drawn a likable comparison for him.
I can name whose won every World Series since 1972 without batting an eye, but before this week I would have to think long and hard who won the WBC in 2006. This will not get over in the United States nor should it. Why would we want to watch a watered down tournament where many of the best players don't want to participate? As baseball fans we are trained to cheer for one team with players from all over the world. Baseball more than any other sport is an American sport in that it is a melting pot of cultures in one dugout. I think it would help to promote the game as the American sport rather than trying to split teams up and try and teach fans these guys are from your country and these are the only guys you should cheer. But then what do I know? I never caused a sport to miss it’s playoffs and then allowed every player and their mysterious Dominican cousin to take steroids to try and get the sport to be popular and relevant again. That’s the way you fix a sport, right Bud?.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Round 2 March Sippage
Here are the other two brackets...enjoy.
Ozzie Guillen
Peyton Manning
Tommy Lasorda
Michael Wilbon
Bob Costas
Carlos Zambrano
Jimmy Rollins
Dennis Rodman
************************************************
Charles Barkley
Eli Manning
Yao Ming
John Daly
Jim Leyland
Gus Johnson
Rick Sutcliffe
Mike Ditka
Ozzie Guillen
Peyton Manning
Tommy Lasorda
Michael Wilbon
Bob Costas
Carlos Zambrano
Jimmy Rollins
Dennis Rodman
************************************************
Charles Barkley
Eli Manning
Yao Ming
John Daly
Jim Leyland
Gus Johnson
Rick Sutcliffe
Mike Ditka
Smoke Break
“I had a friend was a big baseball player back in high school, he could throw that speed ball by you…” You know the rest. That’s also the only time I want to hear anyone talk about the prolific high school athletic career of anyone.
Yet whenever you run into someone from high school that you played organized sports with, the conversation creepily lurches back to the athletic prowess of your contemporaries on your high school athletic teams.
It’s rehearsed, rehashed and I almost always regurgitate when the conversation comes up. Living in the past is for cowards and losers. This wise quote from a man who has done nothing but financially live off his past more than Michael Jackson.
Between bites, Tony Soprano even said “remember when is the lowest form of conversation,” but it’s a form of conversation that most are comfortable with.
So when you run into any of these people you’re left to make small talk about what was and what could have been. “If we didn’t botch that snap and the quarterback didn’t fumble five times, we would have played for the state title that year.” Yes we would have. Oh balls said the queen, if I had two I'd be king (that's an old Uncle Frank line).
Then you’re forced to deal with the high school revisionists. I believe their ethnicity is one part Mel Kiper Jr., one part Ken Burns, two parts jackass. The talent scouts/historians always sing the praises of one person who in their mind could have played Division One football. Never mind the linebacker was 5’9, slower than Dick Vitale’s mental math skills and didn’t fit into any one position. (The linebacker can be read every Wednesday on CTT).
There’s no denying that playing sports in high school lays the groundwork for many outstanding friendships that still endure years after graduation. Many of the basic lessons of treating people with respect and conducting yourself as a human being are crafted on how well you perform under duress and how you cope with failure. There is no discredit to playing sports in high school, but there’s a certain nastiness that accompanies sharing tales of gridiron glory.
So, in my enduring crusade to make the world a better place (have you received my petition to make Jim Belushi the ambassador to Pakistan?) there are certain steps one can take to rid themselves of the annoyance that these historians bring us:
1. Make up a story: If you’re just in the second quarter of a Gulliver Travel-sized tale regarding the second game of your senior season, make up something to confuse the storyteller. When he comes at you with “Remember when Thomas hit two threes coming off screen-and-rolls to give us a seven point lead?” Rebut with, “Yea, it was right after Sister Alex decided to flash the scorekeeper!” It should scare the Dickens out of him and shut him up.
2. Produce amnesia: Ask your buddy for some background information on every name he mentions. “What did Brekston do?” “How was Timmons the running back? I thought he was in prison?” “Wasn’t Jennings the wide receiver who knocked up his girlfriend before he left for Iraq?” Your friend will be so perplexed he will lose interest in telling his story.
3. Fake a bladder control problem: The storyteller should understand. It’s a going problem, not a growing problem.
4. Walk away: Just like that…
Yet whenever you run into someone from high school that you played organized sports with, the conversation creepily lurches back to the athletic prowess of your contemporaries on your high school athletic teams.
It’s rehearsed, rehashed and I almost always regurgitate when the conversation comes up. Living in the past is for cowards and losers. This wise quote from a man who has done nothing but financially live off his past more than Michael Jackson.
Between bites, Tony Soprano even said “remember when is the lowest form of conversation,” but it’s a form of conversation that most are comfortable with.
So when you run into any of these people you’re left to make small talk about what was and what could have been. “If we didn’t botch that snap and the quarterback didn’t fumble five times, we would have played for the state title that year.” Yes we would have. Oh balls said the queen, if I had two I'd be king (that's an old Uncle Frank line).
Then you’re forced to deal with the high school revisionists. I believe their ethnicity is one part Mel Kiper Jr., one part Ken Burns, two parts jackass. The talent scouts/historians always sing the praises of one person who in their mind could have played Division One football. Never mind the linebacker was 5’9, slower than Dick Vitale’s mental math skills and didn’t fit into any one position. (The linebacker can be read every Wednesday on CTT).
There’s no denying that playing sports in high school lays the groundwork for many outstanding friendships that still endure years after graduation. Many of the basic lessons of treating people with respect and conducting yourself as a human being are crafted on how well you perform under duress and how you cope with failure. There is no discredit to playing sports in high school, but there’s a certain nastiness that accompanies sharing tales of gridiron glory.
So, in my enduring crusade to make the world a better place (have you received my petition to make Jim Belushi the ambassador to Pakistan?) there are certain steps one can take to rid themselves of the annoyance that these historians bring us:
1. Make up a story: If you’re just in the second quarter of a Gulliver Travel-sized tale regarding the second game of your senior season, make up something to confuse the storyteller. When he comes at you with “Remember when Thomas hit two threes coming off screen-and-rolls to give us a seven point lead?” Rebut with, “Yea, it was right after Sister Alex decided to flash the scorekeeper!” It should scare the Dickens out of him and shut him up.
2. Produce amnesia: Ask your buddy for some background information on every name he mentions. “What did Brekston do?” “How was Timmons the running back? I thought he was in prison?” “Wasn’t Jennings the wide receiver who knocked up his girlfriend before he left for Iraq?” Your friend will be so perplexed he will lose interest in telling his story.
3. Fake a bladder control problem: The storyteller should understand. It’s a going problem, not a growing problem.
4. Walk away: Just like that…
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Realizations
"WE Are The Champions"
I have often been a fan of using the word “we” when I speak about my favorite sports teams. This has lead to endless ridicule and public humiliation, courtesy of my friends and most notably the creator of this fine publication. So, to all of you “we” users out there… this is me standing up for you! I am not a fan of Mike and Mike, but I did hear this subject come up on a commercial (what I could make out through the swallowing of speech by the adjacent cheeks). I have had hour long debates with friends and foes on the issue, so here we go.
I was not blessed with height. I was not blessed with an intimidating physical stature. I was not blessed with an obscene amount of athletic ability. I like to think I am an above average golfer and I can knock down the cliché amount of open three pointers for a short and scrawny Caucasian. These attributes have forced me to remain connected to sports in other ways besides actually playing them.
I grow a special bond with the teams I root for, none more so than MY Indiana Hoosiers. Since I had the privilege of being a graduate of this fine university, I feel a sense of attachment. When cheering them to victory (or 20 some odd defeats) it is my duty to give it all I have. Please do not get this act confused with maintaining a sense of perspective. Referees do not win or lose games… unless you are the Denver Broncos.
Fans are a bigger part of the game than ever before. Home court/field advantage can have an enormous effect on the outcome of a game. Go to Lucas Oil stadium and make loud noises when Peyton is under center… I dare you.
Neh-sayers believe that no one but players on the actual roster should use the word “we” when discussing the team. Usually this argument is coming from a current or former jock. Like somehow if the word “we” is used by a sports fan it somehow diminishes from your sense of team or will strike your three and a half career sacks from the record books. Honestly, if the athlete expects the fan to look the other way when it comes to off the field/court incidents… the athlete can return the favor. After all, it is the fan who ultimately pays the salaries.
The rules are simple. The kicker is you must maintain the usage of the word “we” when your team loses… or hires a coach who has addiction to cell phones. You must own up to mistakes, playoff losses and horrible personnel moves. You must always, always maintain perspective. You must never become obnoxious. You can not bring up your team in conversation simply to use the word “we”. The “we rule” is in effect for casual situations. Do not use “we” in an argument, it’s like calling the other person a meanie-head. Show your pride and your allegiance without shoving it where it does not belong… much like the aforementioned Tim Tebow/religion debate. And finally, do not under any circumstances, over use the word “we”. “We” is a safety net. It is understandable to be extremely attached to your team and an occasional “we” drop is acceptable.
These are the standards I have set for myself. You may disagree, which is fine… we wouldn’t have gotten along anyway and you probably have three and a half career sacks.
I have often been a fan of using the word “we” when I speak about my favorite sports teams. This has lead to endless ridicule and public humiliation, courtesy of my friends and most notably the creator of this fine publication. So, to all of you “we” users out there… this is me standing up for you! I am not a fan of Mike and Mike, but I did hear this subject come up on a commercial (what I could make out through the swallowing of speech by the adjacent cheeks). I have had hour long debates with friends and foes on the issue, so here we go.
I was not blessed with height. I was not blessed with an intimidating physical stature. I was not blessed with an obscene amount of athletic ability. I like to think I am an above average golfer and I can knock down the cliché amount of open three pointers for a short and scrawny Caucasian. These attributes have forced me to remain connected to sports in other ways besides actually playing them.
I grow a special bond with the teams I root for, none more so than MY Indiana Hoosiers. Since I had the privilege of being a graduate of this fine university, I feel a sense of attachment. When cheering them to victory (or 20 some odd defeats) it is my duty to give it all I have. Please do not get this act confused with maintaining a sense of perspective. Referees do not win or lose games… unless you are the Denver Broncos.
Fans are a bigger part of the game than ever before. Home court/field advantage can have an enormous effect on the outcome of a game. Go to Lucas Oil stadium and make loud noises when Peyton is under center… I dare you.
Neh-sayers believe that no one but players on the actual roster should use the word “we” when discussing the team. Usually this argument is coming from a current or former jock. Like somehow if the word “we” is used by a sports fan it somehow diminishes from your sense of team or will strike your three and a half career sacks from the record books. Honestly, if the athlete expects the fan to look the other way when it comes to off the field/court incidents… the athlete can return the favor. After all, it is the fan who ultimately pays the salaries.
The rules are simple. The kicker is you must maintain the usage of the word “we” when your team loses… or hires a coach who has addiction to cell phones. You must own up to mistakes, playoff losses and horrible personnel moves. You must always, always maintain perspective. You must never become obnoxious. You can not bring up your team in conversation simply to use the word “we”. The “we rule” is in effect for casual situations. Do not use “we” in an argument, it’s like calling the other person a meanie-head. Show your pride and your allegiance without shoving it where it does not belong… much like the aforementioned Tim Tebow/religion debate. And finally, do not under any circumstances, over use the word “we”. “We” is a safety net. It is understandable to be extremely attached to your team and an occasional “we” drop is acceptable.
These are the standards I have set for myself. You may disagree, which is fine… we wouldn’t have gotten along anyway and you probably have three and a half career sacks.
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