AMusings

Baseball Season Is Here Again

The baseball season is only one week away. It makes me think about all of the things I love about going to a baseball game. There is a certain feeling a person gets when they walk into a major league baseball stadium, sees the grass, smells the food, takes in all of the players warming up. Once the game begins though, there is a laundry list of things that take place that are not ok. Not even a little ok. Because I am a good person, and I am concerned about everyone’s well being, I am going to share with you the rules I have decided every fan needs to follow this baseball season.

Leave your shirt on.
It isn’t socially acceptable to take your clothes off anywhere else in the world with the exception of the beach or a swimming pool. There are plenty of alternatives to taking your clothes off. Why not wear a cut off t-shirt? How about drinking plenty of water? Let it be known, that this year, during the 2009 baseball season, I will be approaching any man with hooters who has taken his top off, and alerting him that he is being indecent at the very least.

Don’t give kids foul balls.
Aren’t we teaching the youngsters the wrong lesson by handing them foul balls that we caught? I was a kid for 14 whole years, and nobody ever gave me anything except way too many cookies. If I catch a foul ball at a baseball game, or better yet a home run ball, and a kid gives me puppy dog eyes, he’s got another thing coming.
More so, don’t boo the people that don’t give the balls to kids. It’s not their fault the kid had poor reaction time and didn’t catch the ball. The kid will learn to be quicker, and more agile. They will also learn the all important lesson that you can’t always get what you want. (But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.)

You may leave your seat one time during 9 innings.
Let me clarify, I will stand up for you when you leave your seat only once during a 9 inning baseball game. There is really no reason to need to get up more than once in a 3 hour span. Do you need to go to the bathroom? Oh poor baby. I’m sure the 15 Bud Lights that I had to pass down to you had nothing to do with that. Oh you’re hungry? You couldn’t go 3 hours at home without popcorn, a pretzel, a beef sandwich, a hot dog, a sausage, two pieces of pizza, an ice cream cone, and a pepsi? I find that hard to believe. If you’re in my row, you get one pass, really only because I’m a nice person. After that, you can figure out a way to step over my legs.

Don’t talk to me.
I have never had a meaningful conversation with anyone at a baseball game. Questions usually consist of really tough things to figure out like “What inning is it?” “What’s the score?” “Who is up?”. If you’re stupid (and you must be if you can’t figure out that information which is displayed on a gigantic scoreboard) then just pretend I’m not there. Don’t ask me anything.

Don’t wear obnoxious/over-exposed clothing and give me a dirty look when I stare.
I know you have to leave your shirt on, but that does not mean it should be a 1984 Giants jersey with your name on it. You look like an idiot. Also, men who wear their own names on jerseys traditionally resemble a blimp, and there is no way, even if they were Kirby Puckett or Tony Gwynn, they would have worn that size during their playing days.
Also, don’t buy those stupid t-shirts outside of the stadium that say things like “Cardinals take it up the Pujols” or “We got Wood” or anything like that. They’re not funny, and because you were dumb enough to shell out the $30 for the shirt, I know all I need to know to know that I hate you.

If you don’t know the words to the National Anthem, don’t sing.
Self explanatory, no? Maurice Cheeks isn’t going to help you this time, so don’t try.

When the game is over, LEAVE.
Once the 27th out has been made, you can go. There is nothing else to see. The team will line up, high five each other, and then walk into the dugout. I’m sorry I’ve ruined the ending for you, but that’s all there is to it. This rule especially applies to people sitting on the aisle. I want to go home. Just leave, so I can too.
This rule does not only apply to the end of the game. If your team is losing 16-0 in the 4th, you can go home if you like. I see no reason to stay. It’s not going to get better.

If you are a miserable person, stay home.
This rule applies to anyone who is going to the game to hold a business meeting, anyone who complains about how much they paid for anything (included in “anything” are tickets, parking, food, beer, souvenirs, or any combination of the former). Anyone who is incapable of controlling their children should not take them to the game. While you might find your 4 year old’s sneezing cute, I find it obnoxious.

So there. If we can all agree to these rules and follow them, we should have a wonderful baseball season.