Realizations

Take Me Out To The Slow Lane

It’s April in America, which must mean one thing. Yep, sports highlights all over the country are about to get extremely boring and repetitive. It’s baseball season, AGAIN. At the risk of alienating myself from my fellow columnists more than I already have, (I still don’t see the problem with urinating on a public street during the day) I must let my thoughts be known.

Baseball is not sophisticated, it is not exciting and just because I don’t enjoy it, doesn’t mean I “don’t get it”. I don’t like Chinese food, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get it. I don’t have many friends who would claim baseball as their favorite sport. I suppose that could be true for a number of reasons, but mainly because I favor those who are not drawing social security or who don’t have to rely on Depends whenever leaving the house. My closest friends who do claim baseball as their favorite sport are without a doubt, Cubs fans. This is not a coincidence. It gives me an advantage in their lives. There is nothing I could ever do to disappoint them.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy attending a baseball game every now and then. Any place that will bring me a beer without me having to actually exert any energy or wait in any sort of line is a good place to me. No, my main problem with baseball is the people that run it and the fans who think that because they know what a double-switch is, it somehow makes them intellectually superior to the rest of the universe. The fans who recite batting averages and team era like it validates the fact that their sport requires a “stretching session” just to make sure that the people in the ballpark are still awake.

Bud Selig? Really? Could he have done a worse job? Please do not feed me this nonsense about how he has become an innovator for the sport. Bud did not create the Wild Card. Last I heard, playing copy-cat to the NFL does not qualify you as some sort of creative genius.

The All-star game now dictates which league has home field advantage in the World Series. What a complete joke. A game Bud once upon a time let end in a tie, now virtually punishes a team who could realistically have the best record in baseball. But, I digress.

Baseball is boring. Baseball is slow. Baseball does not have as much strategy as purists would like non-purists to believe. I refuse to be fascinated by the fact that with two outs and a full count, the runners will be put in motion. Wow, I can’t wrap my brain around that. They have less to lose than my grandma playing penny slots on Fremont Street.

I must let the cat out of the bag and admit that I was not born and raised in a city or state that has a professional baseball team. Perhaps this has a lot to do with my lack of interest. I was not force-fed baseball as a kid. I played little league like everyone else, but was not anywhere near the level of CTB with the sunflower seed chewing or the mom schmoozing. I made a few trips a year to visit my Aunt and Uncle in Akron, Ohio. Enough to call myself an Indians fan from visiting Jacob’s Field. I don’t recall the new corporate name of the ballpark… remember, those people are losers.

Baseball fans, I’m okay with you as long as you keep from trying to explain yourself. Bring yourself back down to earth. You are not what you once were, but there is nothing wrong with that… just as long as you don’t pretend that you are. Enjoy your sport. I salute you, as long as you leave me alone.